UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

9:25 PM – Gamblers @ Lumberjacks: Logging On to a Track Meet

ODDS:	Gamblers by 1
OVER/UNDER:	6.5 Goals

THE LAST-MINUTE LOBOTOMY

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Gamblers 3 – Lumberjacks 1 • November 19, 2025 • WABA, White River Junction VT

If the Lumberjacks ever needed proof that their internal clock is set to “brain-off at :59,” tonight was a masterclass in exactly that. The Gamblers scored three goals in the final two minutes of periods, which, according to one Lumberjack, “should be illegal, unethical, and frankly quite rude.”

But let’s start at the beginning — when Jake “Snake” Charles decided to audition for the Harlem Globetrotters of Hockey.

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1ST PERIOD — CHARLES DOES CHARLES THINGS

Charles picked up the puck at his own blue line, hit the boosters, and sliced through the neutral zone like a man late for his court date. Entering the Gamblers’ zone, he cut inside, outside, and back inside again — leaving Zach “Which Guy Is My Guy?” Aher defending absolutely no one, including possibly himself.

Charles then ripped an absolute top-cheddar laser missile over the glove of Tucker “Big Sexy” Garrity-Hanchett, who said afterward:

“Yeah, I saw it. I just… didn’t want to get in its way.”

1–0 Lumberjacks.

The Gamblers, however, specialize in last-minute stupidity from the opponent, and they got it. With under a minute left, Will Meyer won a defensive-zone draw so clean it made a “whoosh” noise. Sean “Copland” Collins hammered a shot from the high slot while Nate DeLuca drifted toward the boards anticipating a breakaway like he’d already scored it.

McCormick made the initial stop, but Meyer pounced on the rebound and stuffed it home like a greasy Thanksgiving leftover.

END OF 1: 1–1
Shots: Gamblers 10, Lumberjacks 6

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2ND PERIOD — THING 1 TO THING 2 TO THING 2 AGAIN

The second began with dangerous chances at both ends — Big Sexy stoning Jordy “McBreakaway” McGee and McCormick stuffing Meyer’s five-hole attempt with the enthusiasm of a goalie who was simply not getting embarrassed again.

Then came the magic.

Kyle “Topo / Thing 1” LaCroix forced a turnover at his own blue line, springing a 2-on-1 with Collins and Ryan “Goose / Thing 2” LaCroix.

Collins chipped the puck over the stick of the lone defender, it bounced like a gremlin, and Goose swatted it out of the air for the 2–1 lead.

The defender was heard yelling:

“WHY ARE THERE ALWAYS TWO OF THEM?!”

END OF 2: Gamblers 2–1
Shots: Gamblers 23, Lumberjacks 14

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3RD PERIOD — THE ZANLEONI FIRE SALE

Things settled until the last minute, where the Lumberjacks once again performed their ritualistic mental shutdown.

A harmless puck slid into the Lumberjacks zone, where Jay Zanleoni attempted a breakout pass that instead resembled a clearance made by someone being chased by hornets.

The puck rolled perfectly to “Sugar” Ray Nolan, who unleashed a blistering 34 mph changeup toward the net.

It hit Goose LaCroix, then possibly Zanleoni’s helmet, and maybe also McCormick’s hopes and dreams, before dribbling into the crease where Goose tapped it home.

McCormick looked skyward and whispered:

“Lord, I know I don’t ask for much, but WHY?”

FINAL: Gamblers 3, Lumberjacks 1
Shots: Gamblers 35, Lumberjacks 22

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GOALTENDER SHOWDOWN

Tucker “Big Sexy” Garrity-Hanchett was spectacular, stopping 21 of 22 and particularly robbing Jake “The Snake” Charles three separate times.

Luke “The Spiceman” McCormick was equally strong, turning aside 32 shots despite his defense treating the crease like a suggestion rather than a responsibility.

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THREE STARS

? 1st Star — Ryan “Goose” LaCroix (2 Goals)

? 2nd Star — Tucker “Big Sexy” Garrity-Hanchett (21 Saves, 0.955)

? 3rd Star — Jake “The Snake” Charles (1 Goal, 900 Moves)

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ABSENT GENTLEMEN

The Gamblers were missing:

• Ryan “The Boogeyman” Bergeron, who terrifies scorers simply by existing.
• Billy “River of Dreams” Rivellini, who allegedly sings Billy Joel on the bench with full emotional commitment.

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NEXT GAMES — AFTER THE THANKSGIVING BYE

No games next week due to Thanksgiving (overeating, naps, and pretending you’re not watching football).

December 3rd:
7:55pm — Mustangs @ Lumberjacks
9:25pm — Whalers @ Gamblers

 

Team:	Time:	Type:	Player:	Details:
1st PERIOD
LMJ	12:35	Goal	Charles, Jacob(1)	Assist(s): McGee, Jordan(2)
GMB	00:43	Goal	Meyer, Will(4)	Assist(s): Collins, Sean(1)
2nd PERIOD
GMB	08:32	Penalty	Nolan, raymond(2)	2 minutes for Tripping
GMB	01:55	Goal	LaCroix, Ryan(2)	Assist(s): Collins, Sean(2) LaCroix, Topo(3)
3rd PERIOD
LMJ	10:00	Penalty	Pierce, Dillan (2)	2 minutes for Roughing
GMB	00:59	Goal	LaCroix, Ryan(3)	Assist(s): Nolan, raymond(2)

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