If you blinked, you missed a period. This may have been the fastest UVHL game ever—helped along by the fact that Whalers’ own Kelly “Cement Boots” Park hung up the skates and grabbed the stripes for the night. (Yes, the Gamblers signed off on letting a Whaler ref their game. We call that either sportsmanship or chaos mode.)

The Gamblers debuted Tucker “Big Sexy” Garrity-Hanchett in goal—filling the very large pads of Evan “Showtime” Cline (now retired to the glamorous life of PhD-land). Tucker spent the summer becoming the best version of himself and apparently shed the mass of a fifth-grader in the process. Result: a cat-quick, zen-focused brick wall (29 saves on 31 shots, .936).

At the other end, Jered Condon was tested early and often and stood taller than the totally-real 5’10” listed on his profile—kicking aside 29 of 30 (.967) with the nonchalance of a man who parallel parks a Zamboni.

On the Gamblers’ blue line, Sean “Edges for Days” Collins put on a skating clinic, erasing rushes like they were written in dry-erase.

Scoring, Shenanigans & Shenanigans Adjacent™

After 21 minutes of scoreless track-meet hockey, the dam finally cracked late in the second when Cavan “Spider Legs” Benjamin found daylight through Tucker’s newly streamlined 5-holio. The finish came off a slick 2-on-1 from Blaine Gour, with a helpful nudge by Logan Caffrey. (Fun fact: Gour, Caffrey & Benjamin are Hartford High alumni—2022/23 varsity linemates who still share a brain cell on odd-man rushes.)

Mid-third, Dan VeNard channeled his inner power forward—taking a Brandon Chiasson pass below the goal line, leaping into the slot, spin-firing one over Tucker’s shoulder. Descriptions ranged from “NHL-caliber finish” to “Tucker going down faster than a WRJ woman of the night.” (We do not endorse the metaphor; we simply report it. ????)

Cue instant drama: thirteen seconds later, Will “The Thrill” Meyer cut it to 2–1 off the faceoff—streaking in after a tape-to-tape dish from Billy Rivellini, with Matt Marrazzo in on the build-up. Meyer’s twisted wrister from the tops of the circles was chef’s kiss— perfectly placed, not quite a missile, but definitely air-mail that arrived exactly on time. Some say Condon was day-dreaming about handcuffs and sirens; others say he was screened. We say: goal horn goes brrr.

Spicy Finish

With the pace still red-lined, emotions boiled. Zach “The Tinder Swindler” Aher didn’t appreciate a textbook stick-on-stick from VeNard, and responded with a two-tap lumbergram to the calves. VeNard countered with a firm “how-do-you-do” to the face. Both earned two minutes and time to reflect on their life choices.

Then Logan Caffrey took a truly ill-timed penalty in a 2–1 game— chasing down Luke Deary after an accidental high stick and handing out a slash plus bonus body check. (In hindsight, four might’ve been fair.) Max Woods followed with a late hold, and suddenly Ref Park threatened to start launching ejecto-seatos. Cooler heads (barely) prevailed.

Final

Whalers 2 — Benjamin, VeNard · Gamblers 1 — Meyer

• Shots: Whalers 31, Gamblers 30
• Goalies: Garrity-Hanchett (GMB) 29/31, .936; Condon (WHL) 29/30, .967

Three Stars

1. ? Jered Condon — Solid win against a tough Gamblers Squad. 1ga on 29 Saves
2. ? Tucker Garrity-Hanchett — Debut masterpiece; 2ga on 29 Saves..
3. ? Dan VeNard — Momentum-flipping spin-and-snipe game-winner.