THE

UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Gamblers
Nordiques
1st
1
0
2rd
2
1
3rd
2
0
FINAL
5
1
Shots
37
15
December 2nd, 2008 - 9:40PM
Pre-Game
Recap
Box Score
Discussion
Game ID: 525

The Gambler's Run Over Nords, Turner Suspended For A Forearm Shiver!

The heavily favored Nordiques(5-0-2) were downed by the streaking Gamblers(4-2-1) in the late game of week 8. The Gamblers came in prepared after spanking the Whalers 10-1 last week, while the Nordiques seemed a bit......um, no, ALOT overconfident after their 14-3 spanking of Tuck. The Gamblers played an absolutely perfect game, excecuting breakouts, zone control & even implementing the newly formed ENFIELD TRAP. Player / Coach Willy "Weeble" Meyer is the mastermind who invented the ENFIELD TRAP which utilizes a bucket of hair gel, 3 used tampons, 2 lbs of crack cocaine & a plunger.

The Gamblers held the Nordiques to a paltry 15 shots on goal, including ONLY 3 in the 3rd period. They clogged up the neutral zone & took everything away in the center of their zone & were even blocking shots. Their top line of Meyer, Matty "The Breast Milk Man" Marrazzo & Dan "The Animal" Ammel were outstanding, keeping the NorDINKS defense on their heels all night. One of the unsung heroes on the night was Joey "You Got The Right Stuff" McIntyre who contributed solid defense & 2 assists while shutting down all scoring attempts from the pathetic Nordiques forwards. The scorekeeper wanted to give a shout out to Kevin "Sweats" Guilbault, not because he knows him, but because "[he] has the sickest Russell Athletic, 1980's Grey Sweats I've ever seen!"

To add insult to injury, the Nordiques awful play was compounded by a mistake of epic proportions from Ex-Co-Commissioner Johnny "Frenchy" Turner who forearm-shivered Greg Hadley....THE REF....because he disagreed with Hadley calling a goal from the other end of the ice. Turner is currently in meetings with the UVHL, NHL & Secret Service to determine what his punishment will be.

The majority of the first period was pretty boring, with the Gamblers taking the only penalty of the period when Scotty "F&*K YOU" Fraser took 2 minutes for hooking with 9:41 to go. Marrazzo added the only goal of the period when he found a rebound off of an Ammel shot in the high slot, fired through a crowd up and over the glove shoulder of Turner who was taking everything away down low.

END OF THE FIRST: Nordiques ZERO, Gamblers 1
SAVES: Turner(NDQ) 8, Condon(GMB) 5

The Nordiques tied the game up early in the second when "Used & Dirty" Condon stepped out of the crease to poke check the puck of off the Nord's Poli "The Nightmare" Nightingale's stick. The puck went directly onto the stick of Danny "Jumpin'" Jodice who promptly fired the puck back at the awkward Condon who was trying to make it back into his crease. The puck careened off his stick between his gaping and hairy 5-hole before finding the back of his sloppy net. That shitty goal, would be the only one Jered "Let me check the stat sheet" Condon would give up, despite only seeing 16 weak girly shots on the night, he was pretty solid. Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with having a girly shot.....or GIRLY NAME FOR THAT MATTER!!!! Willy "Can You Take Me" Meyer scored a power play goal at 7:58 with Andy "Sputnik" Puchilak in the box for an "accidental" high stick. Meyer, like a sneaky little steroided up mouse, found himself on the back door all alone where McIntyre made a perfect half slapshot pass from the left point for Meyer to redirect into the net. Condon made a decent save with 3 minutes to play in the second "on a weak flutter shot......Chad Pennington-esque"(from the scorekeeper guy) coming from Kelly "The Chick" Park. McIntyre found himself making another excellent play with 3 seconds to play as he rushed down the far boards, turning Kelly "Ankle Bender" Park. Saunders the scorekeeper said "McIntyre was absolutely anal-raped by Park, who is slower than death" going to the net which had the refs ready to blow hard, but the puck slid perfectly onto the stick of Tyson Seeley "Posturpedic" who used a 9 iron to chip the puck over a downed Turner. Seeley was wide open after blown coverage by the dirty dentist, Roger Phillips.

END OF THE SECOND: Nordiques 1, Gamblers 3
SAVES: Turner(NDQ) 20, Condon(GMB) 11

Saunders the scorekeeping bitch, said "Heading into the 3rd and the Nordiques have managed only 11 shots, apparently the Nordiques have brought there JV offense tonight." The Nords only managed 1 shot through the first 7 minutes and got their second shot around 10 minutes in. The 3rd period was more of the same, with the Gamblers outshooting, outplaying, outhusting & out-massaging each other on the bench. Other than complete control by the Gamblers the only interesting note in the first 10 minutes was Jordan "Knight" McGee getting knocked down by a Gambler defenseman into Condon's crease. Condon took offense & slashed McGee in the back of ankles, to which McGee took offense and jammed Condon in the face. Both went to the box at 5:35 for roughing. The game then turned ugly when Willy Meyer took a turnover in at center ice stormed down the far boards and fired a HARD & QUICK snapper that ricocheted HARD off the far post, in and back to the middle of the ice. I'm not quite sure how a puck that hits the post that hard can bounce straight back out with a ping from the far boards, but that is when Turner lost it, Hadley ended up on the ice and the game was almost canceled. Hadley let Turner finish out the game, seeing he is a goaltender and there was still just under 3 minutes to play. Regardless, Meyer put his team up 4-1 and essentially putting his team on the power play for the remainder of the game. Scotty Fraser made it 5-1, but I can't really remember how, I think I was still in shock and awe and possibly a little bit scared of the violence and anger that erupted from John Turner.

END OF REGULATION: Nordiques 1, Gamblers 5
SAVES: Turner(NDQ) 32, Condon(NDQ) 15
LEAGUE PICK 'EM
 0%
Gamblers
0% 
Nordiques
PICKS
THREE STARS

Will Meyer

GOALS: 2
POINTS: 3

Joe McIntyre

GOALS: 0
POINTS: 2

Jered Condon

GA: 1
SAVES: 14
SAVE%: 0.933

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