UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Third Place or Death (Well… Gamblers)

This is it. Last game of the regular season for both teams. They’re tied for 3rd. Winner takes 3rd. Loser probably gets fed directly into the Gamblers woodchipper next week (assuming they beat Tuck tonight, which is inevitable in the same way gravity is inevitable).

This isn’t a battle for glory. It’s a battle for avoiding execution. The Whalers are sitting up top looking all shiny and responsible, and the Gamblers are right behind them with a goal differential that looks like a typo (+47, yes really). Meanwhile these two teams are fighting over who gets to be “3rd” and who gets to be “4th and doomed.”

Series History: Lumberjack Property

The all-time series record is not a “rivalry.” It’s an ownership stake: Lumberjacks lead 8–1. The Mustangs have basically been renting space in the Lumberjacks’ emotional attic for three seasons.

Recent results include a handful of Lumberjack-flavored beatdowns (8–1, 7–3, 5–0) with one Mustang win mixed in (6–3 on 12/03) that feels like a clerical error. History says the Lumberjacks should win. Desperation says “hold my beer.”

The Stakes (AKA: Avoid the #1 Seed)

Both teams sit at 0.375 Win%. Same record vibes. Same mid-season existential dread. The tiebreakers matter, and the ugly truth is the Mustangs are walking into this game carrying a goal differential of -30 (compared to the Lumberjacks at -2).

That means if the Mustangs lose, they don’t just lose the game — they probably lose the 3-seed and get rewarded with Round One against the Gamblers, which is like being punished with extra homework… except the homework is pain.

Lumberjacks: The DeLuca Problem

Everything for the Lumberjacks runs through Nathan “DeRoofa” DeLuca (20 points, #2 in the league). He plays like he’s trying to get home early, which is unfair because everyone else is trying to survive.

He’s got help too: Andrew “Silent Assassin” Kimbell (15 pts) and Neil MacKenzie (12 pts). When that group gets cycling, it’s not flashy — it’s suffocating. Like being trapped in the corner with your own bad decisions.

In net, the Lumberjacks roll with Luke McCormick (3.55 GAA, 4-7-1). Not “highlight reel,” just square, big, and annoyingly present. In the UVHL, that’s basically a superpower.

Mustangs: Chaos, Hope, and Colin Farr’s Lower Back

The Mustangs have scored 29 goals and allowed 59. That’s not a slump. That’s an identity.

The good news? They’re still here. The bad news? They’re still here. In net, Colin Farr (4.83 GAA, 4-7-0) has been doing unpaid labor behind a defense that occasionally resembles airport security during a shift change. Farr has also had nights where he’s the only reason the Mustangs aren’t losing by nine.

If the Mustangs want this, they need a “steal it” game. Discipline. Patience. One dirty rebound. One lucky bounce off someone’s shin. Preferably not their own.

Three Keys (Because We Pretend This Is ESPN)

• Make DeLuca uncomfortable: If DeLuca is gliding through neutral ice with space, start writing the “Mustangs fought hard” recap early.
• Win the gross areas: Corner battles, net-front rebounds, and the part of the game where nobody looks cool. Mustangs need to embrace being ugly.
• Don’t chase: If the Mustangs spot the Lumberjacks two early goals, the stress turns into panic and the panic turns into line changes that belong in court.

Totally Real Pre-Game Quotes

DeLuca: “We just need to play our game.” (Translation: I will score and then act like it was inevitable.)

Farr: “Boys, keep it simple.” (Translation: please don’t throw three pizzas up the middle before I’m warmed up.)

McCormick: “Just another night.” (Translation: I will stop the first 12 shots and ruin your mood.)

Final Thought

This is not about being “better.” This is about being better tonight. The winner gets the 3-seed and a slightly less terrifying path. The loser probably gets the Gamblers, which is basically the league’s way of saying: “Thank you for participating.”

See you at puck drop. And yes — if the ice is ready early, it’s starting early. Don’t miss warmups. Or do, and become the first storyline.

Third Place, Survival, and the Great “Please Not the Gamblers” Panic

This was a 3-seed knife fight. Winner gets 3rd place and the right to avoid the #1-seeded Gamblers in the semis next week. Loser gets… well… a very loud week of group chat therapy followed by an appointment with the league’s resident woodchipper.

The stakes were real, the nerves were high, and the Mustangs decided to open the night by not showing up on time. Bold strategy. Hard to win a “must-win” game when your bench looks like a yard sale at puck drop.

The result: the Lumberjacks came out like a team that understands clocks and consequences, and the Mustangs came out like a team that thought warmups were optional.

1st Period — The Mustangs Arrive Late and Immediately Regret It

Ten minutes in, a mishandle by Greg “The Armenian Assassin” Dadekian in the neutral zone gifted the puck to Neil “The Big Deal” MacKenzie flying down the near boards.

MacKenzie did what MacKenzie does: he sniped a bar-downski from a bad angle on Colin Farr. Unassisted. Cold-blooded.

The Mustangs were still emotionally in the parking lot, and the shot clock told the truth: 16–5 Lumberjacks in the first. Embarrassing. That’s not “slow start,” that’s “did we carpool?”

Luke McCormick did have to work — briefly — flashing the left pad on Carter Sullivan and then swallowing up a slot look from Ethan “Scribbles” Scribner. (McCormick made it look casual, which is his favorite hobby.)

The Lumberjacks doubled down at 3:22 after a full-on passing clinic that made the Mustangs look like they were defending a power play using only vibes. Andrew “Nimble” Kimbell stepped up at the blue line, turned it into a 3-on-2 with Jordy “McNasty” McGee and Nate “DeRoofa” DeLuca.

Kimbell to McGee. McGee to DeLuca backdoor. Farr made a ridiculous left pad save… and DeLuca, being DeLuca, cleaned up the rebound anyway. Because of course he did.

Farr followed it up with a nasty glove save on DeLuca next shift like he was personally offended by the concept of going down 3–0.

End of 1st: Lumberjacks 2, Mustangs 0
Shots: Lumberjacks 16, Mustangs 5

2nd Period — The Mustangs Wake Up and Start Collecting Debts

The second period began with the Lumberjacks defense pairing producing a rare “double pizza” turnover sequence that should be studied in driver’s ed. Faceoff in neutral ice, Mark Gattie whiffed on the D-to-D, and then Dillan “Fierce” Pierce returned the favor by whiffing back.

Trevor White walked in alone with speed and went forehand-to-backhand to beat McCormick. Somewhere in the Lumberjacks bench, a defenseman quietly said, “I hate it here.”

Then, because it’s Jay “The Rat” Zanleoni’s world and we’re all just getting called for penalties in it, Zanleoni tripped White immediately after the goal like a man testing if refs still have eyes. Later, Jake Charles hooked White too, prompting the obvious question: why does nobody like Trevor?

On the power play, the Mustangs finally turned the bullying into points. A drop-pass / scissor at the blue line saw Carter Sullivan leave it for Chase Engdahl, who tee’d it up while Jody O’Neill parked in front for the screen/tip.

O’Neill (former goalie, lifelong puck bruising enthusiast) got a piece of it and tipped it over McCormick’s blocker to tie the game. That’s 2–2 and suddenly the Mustangs smelled blood.

Less than a minute later, the Mustangs forecheck ate the Lumberjacks alive. Charles went behind his own net, got pressured by two Mustangs, coughed it up to Mike “The Bike” Cimis, and Cimis did not hesitate.

He pulled it to the front and chipped it up and over McCormick’s glove for 3–2 Mustangs. The vibe shifted from “Mustangs late” to “Mustangs awake,” and the Lumberjacks looked like a team trying to survive a wave.

McCormick made a huge save later on an Engdahl slot chance (because that’s what he does: gets hung out, then bails everyone out like it’s an annoying chore).

End of 2nd: Lumberjacks 2, Mustangs 3
Shots: Lumberjacks 4, Mustangs 18

3rd Period — Immediate Disaster, Immediate Response, Maximum Chaos

The third period started with the Mustangs doing the one thing you absolutely can’t do in a playoff-implication game: fall asleep instantly.

Eleven seconds in, DeLuca entered, Gretzky-curled, fed Carter Auch at the point, and Auch’s quick shot was tipped by Zach Dayno up and over Farr.

Tie game. 3–3. And the Mustangs’ bench had the unmistakable look of, “are you kidding me?”

Twenty-two seconds later, the Lumberjacks returned the favor by giving the momentum back immediately. Jack Smith broke it out to Van Bailey, who hit Cimis at the blue line. Smith and Bailey crashed the net, and Cimis’ centering attempt deflected off a defender and in.

4–3 Mustangs. Cimis’ second. The game officially became “who can survive their own mistakes.”

At 11:33, the Lumberjacks tied it again on a gorgeous sequence: DeLuca pulled it out of traffic, dropped it back to Auch, and Auch found MacKenzie at the far blue line. Dayno overlapped to create confusion, MacKenzie dropped to Auch entering, and Auch beat Farr with a twisted wrister off the far post.

4–4. Because nobody in this league is allowed peace.

Then the temperature rose. Pierce started treating Scribner like a practice dummy on the boards, then took it out on O’Neill in front.

Somehow the refs made it offsetting minors (Pierce for roughing, O’Neill for holding), which is like watching a guy set a house on fire and then fining the homeowner for “having flammable curtains.”

End of 3rd: 4–4
Shots: Lumberjacks 10, Mustangs 6

Shootout — Farr Reads Souls, Mustangs Claim the 3-Seed

The shootout was a slow-burn horror film for the Lumberjacks. Chances. Moves. Saves. No finish.

The breakthrough came when Jody O’Neill pulled a filthy fake and slid it five-hole on McCormick. Mustangs up 1–0.

Zach Dayno answered with a backhand-forehand-backhand move to tie it. And then Trevor White did the thing that apparently makes people hook and trip him all night: he scored again, freezing McCormick and depositing the winner.

Final nail: Jordy “McDangles” McGee tried the backhand-to-forehand special… and Colin Farr read it like a children’s book.

Save. Game. Mustangs.

Final

Mustangs win in a shootout, 5–4 (SO)
Mustangs take 3rd place and (probably) avoid the Gamblers in the semis. The Lumberjacks, meanwhile, get to spend the next week staring into the void and hearing the words “#1 seed” echo in their dreams.

3 Stars

1. ??? Mike “The Bike” Cimis — Two goals and the momentum swing.
2. ?? Trevor White — Goal + shootout winner + bullied for existing.
3. ? Colin Farr — Weathered the storm and then robbed the shootout.