UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

Scene 1 – Cold Open

The undefeated, over-hydrated, and under-shaven Whalers rolled into the rink in a full carpool convoy. Half the roster still lives with their parents, so transportation is easy.

On the other side, the Mustangs showed up missing roughly 900 people from their league-leading roster size — including James “Muffin Man” Baker, Geoff “Coca” Colla, Brian Geraghty, Jamal “Slapshotsky” Sabsky, Ray “Buttermilk” Bourque, Jumbo Joe, Taz O’Reilly, Patrice Bergeron, and Brad Marchand. Very normal. Very healthy.

Scene 2 – First Period: Farr Holds Back the Flood

Early on, the Whalers did what they do best: tilt the ice and blast pucks. The Mustangs mostly just wondered why they keep signing up for this schedule.

Colin Farr made a huge toe save on his own teammate, Logan Caffrey, keeping it 1–0. That’s teamwork.

End of 1st: Whalers 1, Mustangs 0 — Shots: Whalers 10, Mustangs 4

Scene 3 – Second Period: T-Bone, Toe Drags & Kung Fu Panda

Early in the second, Trevor “T-Bone” White cut back on Kelly Park and ripped a shot straight off Jered Condon’s forehead. It still counts as a shot, but holy hell — missing the corner by that much should require a written apology.

Blain Gour got a perfect backdoor pass and went down to one knee for the one-timer, but Farr slid across like Kung Fu Panda — or more accurately, like a fat man lunging to catch a donut before it hits the floor — and denied him with the left pad.

Then Dan VeNard stole a puck behind the Mustangs’ net, beat a defender, curled to the slot, and roofed it glove side at 8:09. Unassisted. Unnecessary. Unguarded. 2–0 Whalers.

Moments later, Cavan Benjamin knocked a Farr clearing pass out of the air, but Farr recovered and swallowed the backhand attempt.

End of 2nd: Whalers 2, Mustangs 0 — Shots: Whalers 21, Mustangs 11

Scene 4 – Third Period: Farr Hits F-Mode

Farr made two huge saves early, stopping Dan Fenton from the slot and then Dan VeNard on the rebound.

Farr flopped feverishly, flailing, floundering, freewheeling, full-force, firewalling.

Immediately after, Van “Wilder” Bailey took off on a break, while Brandon Chiasson backpedaled like a man trying to parallel-park while being yelled at. Chiasson caught an edge, exploded into the ice, and Bailey skated in alone.

Unfortunately, Bailey’s favorite Mighty Ducks character seems to be Luis Mendoza — the kid who could skate 200 mph but couldn’t stop. Bailey drilled the post from a brutal angle, forgot how to brake, and bailed out entirely, crashing himself and the net into the boards in a full-send pile-up.

Scene 5 – Gour’s Invisibility Cloak Makes It 3–0

After buzzing all night, Gour finally scored at 10:50. Benjamin collected a pass from Caffrey, created space in the corner, cut to the front with two Mustangs draped on him and three more watching like they paid admission, then dropped a perfect pass into the slot.

Gour — somehow completely unguarded, possibly due to an invisibility cloak — dropped to one knee and snapped it low glove. Gorgeous play. Filthy finish. 3–0 Whalers.

Scene 6 – Mock Finishes the Mustangs

The Mustangs nearly broke the goose egg when Chase Engdahl blew past the defense and tried to stuff one five-hole on Condon, who shut it down and informed him that “you will not put your biscuit in my basket.”

Bailey grabbed the rebound, circled up, and immediately turned it over. Ben Rouillard sent VeNard and Ezra “Motown” Mock on a 2-on-none. Mock finished five-hole to make it 4–0.

Scene 7 – Farr’s Desperation Mission: Protect the 4.50

Even down 4–0, Farr refused to let his GAA hit 5.00. “Listen, 4.50 isn’t great,” he reportedly said. “But it looks way better than 5.00. My agent told me that’s the minimum I need if I want a contract with a team that plays actual defense.”

He shut down a 2-on-1, robbed Caffrey again, then launched himself horizontally to knock a Benjamin rebound up and over the glass in a full-body save that may or may not have shortened his spine.

Final Score

Whalers 4, Mustangs 0
Shots: Whalers 38, Mustangs 21

The Whalers nearly doubled the Mustangs in shots and tripled them in vibes. Condon was outstanding, snagging the shutout. Farr, despite giving up four, was the reason the scoreboard didn’t look like a college football game.

Next Games – December 3rd

7:55 PM — Mustangs @ Lumberjacks
9:20 PM — Whalers @ Gamblers
BYE — Tuck

That’s it from UVHL Tonight. The Whalers stay perfect, the Mustangs stay confused, and we’ll see you back on the ice December 3rd.