UPPER VALLEY HOCKEY LEAGUE

THE TOILET BOWL SUMMIT: Winner Escapes March Shame

Battle of the Basement: Lumberjacks Kick the Trap Door Shut on Tuck

Lumberjacks 5 – Tuck 1

This was the kind of late game that feels like it should come with a warning label and a therapist on standby.

Fourth place Lumberjacks vs fifth place Tuck — a true “who wants it less?” showdown. And with the standings the way they are, this wasn’t just a game for Tuck… it was basically their playoff pulse. Lose this one and you don’t get “mathematically eliminated,” you get spiritually deleted.

To their credit, Tuck came out buzzing. They outshot the Lumberjacks 14–9 in the first and had long stretches where the Lumberjacks looked like they were skating through wet concrete. But as we’ve learned over the years: shots are fun, moral victories are adorable, and none of it matters if you can’t finish.

1st Period – Tuck Brings the Energy, Lumberjacks Bring the Goals

Early on, Tuck goalie Carlson had to make a huge save on a tipped point shot from Jay Zanleoni, which set the tone: the Lumberjacks were going to generate just enough danger to keep this game uncomfortable, while Tuck tried to skate their way out of the basement.

The line of Zanleoni, Carter Auch, and Mason Ballard dominated shifts but couldn’t cash in early — mostly because hockey is cruel and also because finishing is a skill.

7:45 – Lumberjacks 1, Tuck 0
A play that started as “good defense” ended as “Tuck regret.” Drew Miraldi got a deflection in his own zone and sprung Zach “Dangerous” Dayno up the near boards. Dayno dropped it to Neil MacKenzie in the slot, the shot went high and wide, and the rebound popped right back into danger like the puck was actively rooting for the Lumberjacks. Dayno jammed it home. Easy. Ugly. Effective.

Tuck responded quickly, and honestly, it was the best version of Tuck we’ve seen in a while: organized, aggressive, and briefly hopeful.

3:47 – Tuck 1, Lumberjacks 1
Aaron “The Leopard” Leopold carried the puck deep, turned the net, and found Maclean Lalor at the left point. Lalor moved it D-to-D, and Kyle “Lockdown” Lockwood did something extremely rude: he bobbled a pass, recovered it off a defender, toe-dragged, and fired a laser that James “Big Game” McCormick is still trying to locate with satellite imagery.

McCormick answered back with a monster right-pad save on Kaleigh Donnelly after a drop pass from Max Plonsker, because the man refuses to let the basement consume him.

End of 1st: Tuck 1, Lumberjacks 1
Shots: Tuck 14, Lumberjacks 9

2nd Period – The Lumberjacks Remember Who They Are

The second period started with a reminder: when the Lumberjacks decide to play, they don’t just generate chances — they generate problems.

11:57 – Lumberjacks 2, Tuck 1
Dayno entered wide, dropped it to MacKenzie, and MacKenzie threaded a pass through traffic to Andrew “Silent Assassin” Kimbell back door. Kimbell went bar down on Carlson, which is the hockey equivalent of slamming your opponent’s phone face-down on the table.

Then came the moment every goalie knows too well: when your own teammate tries to “make a play” and instead almost ends your career.

At 10:45, Zanleoni collected the puck in his own corner and threw a pizza into the slot directly onto Matti Kathman’s stick. McCormick made the save, but the look he gave Zanleoni could’ve melted steel.

It wasn’t a “nice try” look. It was a “you’re dead to me” look.

5:21 – Lumberjacks 3, Tuck 1
The Zanleoni line finally cashed in the right way. Ballard pushed the breakout, got it to Zanleoni, back to Ballard with speed, and Ballard hit Carter Auch on the far boards. Auch faked the slapper, pulled it around a defender, and tucked it home. Textbook skill. No nonsense. Just a goalie watching his life flash before his eyes.

Tuck had a chance to tilt things back with a power play after McManus took a tripping call, but Carlson had to make three huge saves just to keep it from becoming a four-goal nightmare.

End of 2nd: Tuck 1, Lumberjacks 3

3rd Period – Hope Dies Quietly (Then Loudly)

The third period had a brief moment where Tuck looked like they might push back — and then it evaporated.

MacKenzie nearly made it 4–1 on a 2-on-1, missing by inches, and seconds later Lockwood had a clean chance in tight but couldn’t finish. That was the window. It closed.

8:31 – Lumberjacks 4, Tuck 1
Carter Auch sprung on a breakaway, two Tuck defenders chasing, Carlson guessing, and Auch went full head-fake routine before sliding it five-hole. The kind of goal that makes the bench go silent because everyone realizes what’s coming next.

Tuck had one of their best looks shortly after when Max Plonsker feathered a pass to Scotty Sampson on a 2-on-1, but McCormick threw out a left pad like he was personally offended by the attempt.

6:24 – Lumberjacks 5, Tuck 1
A neutral-zone regroup started by Zanleoni and Miraldi turned into a speed rush. Miraldi hit Dayno, Dayno split the D, and Mason Ballard arrived down the near side and sniped low glove. It was clean. It was fast. It was cruel.

Tuck pulled their goalie with over three minutes left, which was technically optimistic and emotionally irresponsible. Nobody scored. Everyone just kind of accepted it.

FINAL: Lumberjacks 5 – Tuck 1

ChatGPT's 3 Stars of the Game

1. Carter Auch – Two goals, breakaway execution, and the kind of confidence that ruins other people’s evenings.
2. Zach “Dangerous” Dayno – A goal, multiple catalysts, and enough speed to make defenders reconsider hobbies.
3. James “Big Game” McCormick – Huge saves early, huge saves late, and survived a Zanleoni slot pizza without committing a felony.

Goalie Trauma Counter™

• Breakaway goal allowed: +2
• Bar-down back door finish: +2
• Five-hole humiliation: +2
• Having your season end in real time while still wearing skates: +10

Total trauma added tonight: 16 units. Carlson may require hydration, validation, and a new hobby.

What This Means

The Lumberjacks climb out of the basement swamp and keep faint playoff hope alive, mostly by doing the one thing basement teams rarely do: finishing.

For Tuck, this is the kind of loss that doesn’t just hurt in the standings — it hurts in the group chat. With the season slipping away, the margins are gone. The excuses are gone. The runway is basically gone.

Season Arc Threads

• The Basement Curse: Tuck continues to outshoot, outskate, and somehow still lose. It’s performance art at this point.
• Auch’s Villain Era: Carter Auch is starting to look like the guy you least want to see when you’re already down bad.
• McCormick vs. Betrayal: If you’re going to throw pizzas into your own slot, at least apologize before the faceoff.
• Zanleoni’s Duality: Makes a great breakout play, then tries to assist the other team. A full-spectrum experience.

See you next week for another installment of: “This League Is Emotionally Unsafe.”