Final Score: Whalers 3, Lumberjacks 2 

If you like sibling rivalry, mediocre decisions, and goalies playing like they’re auditioning for a Disney+ documentary, this one was for you. Tonight featured the McCormick Brothers™ in the first ever UVHL “Mom Loves Me More” Bowl: Luke “Spiceman” McCormick vs James “Big Game” McCormick. Their parents were in the stands, probably wondering which child they regret less.

The Whalers were missing Nate “The Great” Robinson, who suffered a lower-body injury so severe he refused to leave his couch unless food was involved. Meanwhile Ezra “Mohawk” Mock claimed he was “stuck at work,” though sources report he may have been stuck in a girl. T’s and P’s.

The Lumberjacks arrived missing Carter Auch, Zach “Night &” Dayno, and Nick “Wheels” Hall, but did bring emergency call-up Ray “Gift Card” Sprague. Sprague once mistook a Whaler’s stick for an enemy combatant and snapped it like a breadstick. He later made amends with a Stateline Sports gift card, proving that forgiveness comes at exactly $25.00 plus tax.

1st Period

14:23 – Lumberjacks 1, Whalers 0
The Jacks wasted no time. After some tic-tac-toe magic from Neil “The Real Deal” MacKenzie and Jordy “McNasty” McGee, Nate DeLuca walked into the slot and bar-down’d Jered “Too Short For Bardown” Condon. “I thought Condon was on his knees,” said DeLuca. “Turns out he was standing. Weird.”

The Whalers outshot the Jacks 15–6 but Luke McCormick said: “Shots? I eat those for dinner.” He stopped everything, including a Dan “Grumpy” VeNard breakaway and a Blaine Gour one-knee one-timer that would’ve scored in any other league containing less McCormicks.

3:35 – Whalers 1, Lumberjacks 1
The Whalers' 21-and-under line (total combined age: literally younger than Scotty Christian’s underwear) went to work. Blaine “Magic Man” Gour hit Logan “Hulk Baby” Caffrey, who snapped one low glove. Tie game. AARP Christian approved.

0:58 – Whalers 2, Lumberjacks 1
Ben Rouillard stole a puck, hit turbo mode, and with Teller and VeNard created a perfect odd-man rush. Teller’s shot bounced high, VeNard swatted it out of the air like an angry dad disciplining a drone. 2–1 Whalers.

2nd Period

Kelly “Cement Boots” Park decided the Lumberjacks deserved help, losing a faceoff directly onto DeLuca’s stick. Thankfully Condon didn’t also feel charitable.

5:51 – Lumberjacks 2, Whalers 2
On the power play, Dillan “Fierce” Pierce threw a shot on net, Condon tossed a juicy rebound into the slot like Oprah giving away cars, and DeLuca buried his second. Tie game again.

3rd Period

11:55 – Whalers 3, Lumberjacks 2
Scotty “Too Hotty” Christian read a centering pass like he was the quarterback of the game, not the oldest guy on the ice. He sprung Dan “The Fenom” Fenton and Ben Rouillard, and Rouillard lasered one glove side past Luke McCormick. Beautiful, disrespectful, effective.

McCormick did everything he could to keep the Jacks alive, including robbing Rusty Teller, Brandon Chiasson, and Benjamin on separate bids. Meanwhile Condon shut the door on DeLuca’s potential hat trick try, slamming his 5-holio shut like a nun catching teenagers in the church parking lot.

Final Thoughts

An absolutely electric game. Luke McCormick (33 saves) was unreal. DeLuca had two. Rouillard had the dagger. The Whalers remain undefeated and insufferably confident.

Stars of the Game

1. Ben Rouillard (WHL) – GWG + assist because vibes
2. Luke McCormick (LMJ) – 33 saves, carried the Jacks like a drunk friend
3. Nate DeLuca (LMJ) – 2 goals, 0 remorse