The Whalers didn’t just open the season — they declared it open like a champagne bottle at a Dartmouth mixer, crushing the Lumberjacks 6–1 in a night full of slick hands, unfortunate rebounds, and nicknames that would make an HR department cry.
Goalie Jered “The Condor” Condon was cool, calm, and apparently allergic to goals against — stopping 25 of 26 and single-handedly grounding the Jacks’ offense. Meanwhile, Luke “Spiceman” McCormick stood tall early, but by the end was facing more rubber than a Goodyear factory fire.
First Period
The night started hot with McCormick robbing Ezra “The Mutant” Mock glove-side on a labeled high-slot rocket — a save that might’ve made SportsCenter if UVHL games were televised.
Then, at 11:01, the Jacks drew first blood. Jordan “McBreakaway” McGee took a cross-ice feed from Nate “The Great” DeLuca and burned Jason Yehle like he was on dial-up internet. He flew by the Whalers’ bench yelling “Bababooey!” before tucking it forehand-to-backhand under Condon’s right pad. A lazy backcheck by Brandon “The Chasm” Chiasson didn’t help much, either.
Not to be outdone, the Whalers struck back quickly. Logan “Wolverine” Caffrey took a drop pass from Dan VeNard and shredded through the slot, slicing past Carter “The Auger” Auch like a hot knife through Vermont butter, snapping a low-glove dart past McCormick to even it up 1–1.
Second Period
The Whalers turned on the afterburners early in the second. VeNard dumped it deep, Blaine Gour spun through the corner like a caffeinated toddler, and found Kelly “Cement Boots” Park at the point. Park’s one-timer looked headed for the concession stand, but instead ricocheted off skates and forced McCormick into panic mode. The rebound landed perfectly for Ben Rouillard, who channeled his inner Happy Gilmore and went tap tap tappity tap to make it 2–1. “You know, it was all skill,” Rouillard claimed post-game, “to know where to be and to put that rolling puck in the cage is hard to do.”
Moments later, Dan “The Future” Fenton ripped a page from McGee’s playbook, taking a cross-ice pass from Nate “The Great” Robinson, flying past the bench singing *“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,”* and freezing McCormick with a smooth forehand-to-backhand finish. Suddenly it was 3–1 and the Jacks were looking for the “unsubscribe” button.
Condon then slammed the door on a pair of high-danger chances from McGee and Andrew Kimbell, keeping the lead safe heading into the third.
Third Period
Early in the third, Mock and Cavan “Benjy” Benjamin stormed down the near boards on a 2-on-2. Mock dished to a trailing Rouillard, who was only open because McGee decided that backchecking is a lifestyle choice, not a rule. Rouillard buried his second of the night low blocker, 4–1 Whalers.
Rookie Benjamin then made it 5–1 in highlight-reel fashion — intercepting a McCormick clearing attempt, toe-dragging through chaos, and going bardown like he was auditioning for his own biopic. “I’m a natural born goal scorer,” Benjamin said afterward. “They’re going to write books about me. This game is too easy. One game, one goal.” The humility was palpable.
With 17 seconds left, Mock put the final nail in the log pile, pulling a puck off the boards through a six-man scrum, cutting to the middle, and ripping a low blocker shot to cap the 6–1 rout. It was equal parts skill, spite, and spectacle.
